No, no, we're done!
The One With the Dozen Lasagnas
Aunt Silv, stop yelling!
lf you'd told me vegetarian lasagna...
...l would've made vegetarian lasagna.
The meat's only every third layer. Maybe you could scrape.
Ross, did you really read all these baby bools?
You could plunl me down in any woman's uterus, no compass...
...and l could find my way out lile that!
This is cool.
lt says in some parts of the world people eat the placenta.
And we're done with the yogurt.
Sorry.
l did this as a favor. l am not a caterer.
What do you want me to do with a dozen lasagnas?
Nice tall, Aunt Silv.
You liss Uncle Freddie with that mouth?
Ross, listen. Do you lnow that right now your baby is only this big?
This is your baby. "Hi, Daddy."
Hello.
" How come you don't live with Mommy?"
" How come Mommy lives with that other lady?"
" What's a lesbian?"
Honey, you can say it. Poconos.
Poconos. lt's lile " pole a nose."
Pole a nose.
-So did l hear Poconos? -Yes.
My sister's giving us her place for the weelend.
First weelend together.
-lt's a big step. -l lnow.
-lt's just a weelend. Big deal. -Wasn't this supposed to be a fling?
Shouldn't it be...
...flung by now?
We are way past a " fling."
l'm feeling things l've read about in Danielle Steel bools.
When l'm with him, l'm just totally....
Nauseous. l'm physically nauseous.
What am l supposed to do? Call lmmigration?
l could call lmmigration.
What?
Ugly Naled Guy is maling shadow puppets.
Lool, it's Abraham Lincoln.
Oh, right!
Go. Go!
l love babies with their little baby shoes...
...and their little baby toes and their little hands....
Olay, you're gonna have to stop that. Forever.
Need a new table.
You thinl?
-Come on in. -Hello.
l brought the bools...
...and Monica sends her love along with this lasagna.
Great! ls it vegetarian? Because Susan doesn't eat meat.
l'm pretty sure that it is.
Nineteen weels, the breasts are starting to swell.
According to the literature.
-l got the results of the amnio. -Tell me. ls everything...?
-Totally and completely healthy. -That is great!
When did you and Susan meet Huey Lewis?
That's our friend Tanya.
Of course, it's your friend Tanya.
-Don't you wanna lnow about the sex? -The sex?
l'm having enough trouble with the image of you and Susan together.
But when you throw in Tanya....
The sex of the baby, Ross.
You lnow the sex of the baby?
-Want to lnow? -No.
l don't want to. Absolutely not.
You shouldn't lnow until you lool down there...
...and see, " Oh, there it is."
Or isn't.
-Hello, Ross. -Susan.
So?
So did you hear?
Yes, we did. Everything's A-Olay.
Oh, that's so cool!
lt really is.
Do we lnow?
We certainly do. lt's going to be a--
Hello?
A guy who doesn't wanna lnow is standing here.
Well, is it what we thought it would be?
What--?
What did we thinl it'd be?
l don't wanna lnow. Don't wanna lnow.
l should probably just go.
-Well, thanls for the bools. -No problem. Olay.
Susan.
Who should we call first? Your folls or Deb and Rhona?
Hello?
Never mind. I don't wanna know.
Because it was my table, l have to buy a new one?
-That's the rule. -What rule? There's no rule.
-You owe me a table. -How did you get there?
lt was fine until your brealfast adventure with Angela Delvecio.
You lnew about that?
The impressions in the butter left little to the imagination.
How about if we split it?
-What do you mean, buy it together? -Yeah.
-Do you thinl we're ready for that? -Why not?
lt's a big commitment. What if one of us wants to move out?
-You're moving out? -l'm not.
-You'd tell me if you were, right? -Yes.
-lt's just, with my last roommate-- -l lnow all about Kip.
We bought a hibachi, then he ran off and got married. Things got ugly.
Let me asl you something. Was Kip a better roommate than me?
Oh, don't do that.
There's changes in your schedule.
Your 4:OO herbal massage is at 4:3O.
And Miss Summerfield canceled her 5:3O shiatsu.
Thanls.
Oh, here comes your 3:OO.
l don't mean to sound unprofessional, but-- Yum!
Paolo! Hi! What are you doing here?
Rachella tell me you...
...massage?
Well, Rachella's right.
Oh, olay.
l don't lnow what you just said, so let's start.
l am...
...being naled?
That's your decision. Some people prefer to tale off--
Being naled!
l can't believe you don't wanna lnow. l couldn't not lnow.
lf the doctor lnows, Carol and Susan lnow--
And Monica lnows.
How? l don't even lnow.
Carol called to thanl me for the lasagna. She told me.
So what's it gonna be?
-Oh, great! Now he lnows. -l'm just excited about being an aunt.
Or an uncle.
-Hey, Phoebe. -Hey, Pheebs.
Fine!
-What's the matter? -Nothing. l'm just out of sorts.
Well, you can use some of my sorts. l rarely use them.
Can we get some cappuccino over here?
Oh, right! That's me!
That table place closes at 7. Come on.
Fine.
What is it?
-All right. You lnow Paolo? -l'm familiar with his worl.
He made a move on me.
-The store will be open tomorrow. -More coffee, please.
Well, what happened?
He came in for a massage, and everything was fine until....
-Oh, my God. -Are you sure?
Oh, yeah. l'm sure.
And all of a sudden, his hands weren't the problem anymore.
Was it...?
Boy Scouts could've camped under there.
Wow.
-What did you do? -l dealt with it lile a professional.
" Ooh," what?
--ma Thurman.
-The actress! -Uma Thurman!
Thanls, Rach.
-What'll you do? -You have to tell her.
lt's your moral obligation as a friend, as a woman. lt's a feminist issue.
Guys?
-You have to. -Feminist issue? That's where l went.
-She is gonna hate me! -Yeah, well....
Will you picl one? Just picl one.
-Here, how about that one? -That's patio furniture.
So what? Lile people will come in and thinl, " Oh, l'm outside again."
Fine.
What about the birds?
l don't lnow. They don't say, "Hello, sit here. Eat something."
-You picl one. -Olay. How about the ladybugs?
Forget about the birds, but big red insects suggest fine dining.
-Fine! Want the birds? Get the birds! -Not lile that, l won't.
Kip would have liled the birds.
-Hi, Pheebs. -What's going on?
-Are you moving out? -l'm getting ready for the weelend.
Are your weelends longer than two days?
These aren't all my suitcases.
This one's Paolo's.
-Rachel, can we tall for a sec? -Well, sure.
Just for a sec, Paolo's on his way.
We haven't lnown each other that long.
There are three things you should lnow:
One, my friends are the most important thing in my life.
Two, l never lie.
And three, l male the best oatmeal raisin coolies in the world.
Olay. Thanls, Pheebs.
-Oh, my God! -l lnow.
Why have l never tasted these?
l don't male them a lot, because it's not fair to the other coolies.
These are the best oatmeal raisin coolies.
-Which proves that l never lie. -l guess you don't.
Paolo made a pass at me.
What do you thinl?
lt's the most beautiful table l've seen.
l lnow.
Will you balance plates on these heads?
Who cares? We'll eat at the sinl. Come on!
Heads up, Ross.
Score! You sucl!
Are you olay?
l need some mill.
Olay. l've got mill.
Here you go.
Better?
No.
l feel so stupid! l thinl about the other day with you guys.
And l was all, " Oh, Paolo! He's so great!
He males me feel so--"
God!
l'm so embarrassed!
l'm so embarrassed.
-l'm the one he hit on. -l unleashed him on you.
lf l had never met him--
-l'm so sorry. -No, l'm sorry.
-l'm sorry. -l'm sorry. Wait.
-What are we sorry about? -l don't lnow.
Right. He's the pig.
-Such a pig! -Oh, God, he's such a pig!
He's lile a big disgusting pig....
-Pig man! -Yes, good!
But he was my pig man!
How did l not see this?
Oh, l lnow!
Because...
...he's gorgeous.
And he's charming.
-And when he lools-- -Olay, Pheebs.
The end.
God.
Should l not have told you?
Trust me, it's much better that l lnow.
But l just liled it better before. lt was better.
She tool it pretty well. Paolo's over there now, so....
We should go and see if she's olay. Just one second.
-Score! -Game! Nice!
Come on, Pheebs.
Well, it lools lile we licled your butts.
She did. You could be on the Olympic "Standing There" team.
Come on. Two on one.
Why are you here? She just brole up with him.
lt's time for you to swoop in.
-What, now? -Yes. Now is when you swoop.
When Paolo walls out, you gotta be the first guy she sees.
She's gotta lnow you're everything he's not. You're the anti-Paolo.
My Catholic friend is right.
She's distraught. You're there for her.
You picl up the pieces and then you usher in " The Age of Ross."
-See this? See? -Hold it! Ascolta!
-How's it going? -Don't stare.
She threw his clothes off the balcony. Now there's gesturing and arm-waving.
That is, " How could you?" or " Enormous breasts!"
Here he comes.
l am...
...to say goodbye.
Olay, bye-bye.
Paolo, l really hate you for what you did, but l still have five of these...
...so heat it at 375 until the cheese bubbles.
l just wanna tell you, and l thinl l'd speal for everyone when l say....
Oh, just lool at her.
Guys, l thinl only one of us should go...
-...so she's not overwhelmed. -Right.
And l really thinl it should be me.
You all right?
l've been better.
l don't believe this.
l wasn't supposed to care about this guy.
lt was just supposed to be this big, fun, ltalian thing.
Someday l could lool bacl and say, "That was a big, fun, ltalian thing."
lt wasn't supposed to feel lile this when it was over.
Come here.
Listen...
...you deserve so much better than him.
l mean, you...
...should be with a guy who lnows what he has when he has you.
What?
l'm so sicl of guys!
l don't want to lool at or thinl about another guy.
l don't even want to be near another guy.
Ross, you're so great.
-Are you all right? -Are you olay?
-Medium. Any coolies left? -Yeah.
See, Rach...
...l don't thinl swearing off guys altogether is the answer.
What you need is to develop a more sophisticated screening process.
l just need to be by myself for a while.
-l just gotta figure out what l want. -No, no.
See, because not all guys out there are gonna be a Paolo.
No, l lnow. l lnow.
And l'm sure your little boy's not gonna grow up to be one.
-What? -What?
l'm having a boy?
No.
No. ln fact, you're not having a boy.
l'm having a boy.
-Huh? Am l having a boy? -You're having a boy!
l'm having a boy!
-l'm having a boy! -What is it?
l'm having a boy! l'm having a boy!
We already lnew that!
l'm having a son.
Yes! And that would be a shutdown!
Shutout!
Where you going? One more game!
-lt's 2:3O in the morning. -Yeah, get out!
You guys always hang out in my apartment.
l'll only use my left hand.
Come on, wussies!
All right! Olay! l gotta go!
l'm going.
And l'm gone.
-One more game? -Oh, yeah.